Child of Weakness

Hi, my name is Rachel and I am a child of weakness.

The more and more I live this life, the more I see this in me. The more I learn of God, the more I see this.

I am twenty three, meaning I have no idea what I’m doing in most areas of my life. I’m just starting the attempt to plunge into my chosen career field and applying for jobs and interviewing and all that jazz. I’m feebly attempting to figure out where to do that, how to do that, where I’m going to live in all these potential towns, where I might go to church, etc. Basically my Type-A tendency has taken over and I’m turning these mole hills into Mount Everest. I have stressed myself out to the point of anxiety and panic. For what? Why? Because I am a human. Apparently a really stupid one who creates unnecessary drama for herself and the friends she has chosen to turn to in this time (shout out to yall for being graceful and understanding with me!).

This life ain’t easy, but that’s because I was not meant for this life. My body is here, but my soul belongs to someone else. My inward and my outward are in battle and there is something hindering me from reaching a point of peace and “it is well.” My cry has been “I believe, help my unbelief.” When life hits it seems hard to simply have faith and not desire to see what’s going on behind the scenes. I know Jesus has covered it all and I know that God has a plan, but my soul can’t quite reach full belief in that. My head knows, but my heart is struggling. I am not God, yet I am demanding the understanding that is God’s. I am not God, yet I am yearning for God’s all-knowing of my life. I am not God, yet I am wanting to insist in the grander design of things when I cannot even fully see what’s happening right here and now.

All of this has further illuminated the fact that I am a child of weakness. I cannot even make a decision without setting off a string of stress induced sleepless nights. I am in weak in my attempts to follow Jesus. I am weak in my attempts to understand God. I am weak in my attempts at turning from sin. I am weak in my attempts at trusting God. My life and my humanity scream of a need for Jesus. Not just could use it and not just an “it would make things better”, a dire need. The dictionary definition of need is: to require something because it is essential or very important, expressing necessity or obligation. Every fiber of my being has a an essential, obligatory requiring of Jesus and grace because I am really good at being a human and not so good at being a disciple of Christ.

I’m reading a book called “Help My Unbelief” right now by Barnabas Piper (totes recommend by the way). In the book, Piper recounts Job’s debacle and questioning of God. Job has just famously endured all the things a man could go through pretty much. He is working them out at this point and turning to God in desperation seeking answers. God in Chapter 38 replies with this:

Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements-surely you know! Or who stretched the line upon it? On what were its bases sunk, or who laid its cornerstone. when the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy? Or shut in the sea with doors when it burst out from the womb, when I made clouds its garment and thick darkness its swaddling band, and prescribed limits for it and set bars and doors, and said, “Thus far shall you come, and no father, and here shall your proud waves be stayed?” Job 38:4-11

Hashtag boom. Mic drop. Hit the dab. Re-tweet. Whatever else people are saying now.

Y’all…we are not God! God is God. That seems so simple and “duh”, but if it is then, why can we not simply be content with not knowing all the answers to life’s questions? There is beauty in the mystery. The mystery is what prompts intimacy with the infinite, all knowing, steadfast Father. He is the potter and we are the clay. How could the creation possibly understanding all things? We would think that was completely irrational if applied to something in our world. We don’t expect children to know everything or be able to do everything, so why do we expect we can know and understand everything when what we are is children? God is loving and made a way in Jesus so we could have some understanding through the Holy Spirit. Jesus dying on the cross promises a hope of salvation, forgiveness, new life, and a future with God. That hope should outweigh the things we are unable to understand and do. And really, do those things matter? Honestly. If we are content with Jesus and truly believe God, do we need all the questions answered? No! Yet time and time ago we do, and grace swoops in to bring us back. There is mystery and there will discomfort and discontent in the world-its a dying, sin-inflicted world, but we know of a greater comfort that makes this world bearable and often times enjoyable. The world is finite, we are finite, but God is infinite and we can do life here with Him.

Thus far, my twenties has been a season of more questions than answers. I’m working to surrender my seemingly insatiable need for answers and trade it for Jesus and His promises. Faith is simple, and over complicating it just pushes me further from God. I am not going to understanding everything because I am not God. The sooner I come to that realization and my inability to know everything, the better. God is God and is going to reveal Himself as He sees fit. I am a child of God, which in and of itself, is pretty amazing. I am alive because God said so. I can know God, because Jesus paved that way and paying the price for all my sin and questioning of God. I can live with God’s guidance, because when Jesus took His throne, He left me with Holy Spirit. Everything we encounter in life doesn’t need a theology answer, and not everything needs a explanation.  The answer is we are children of weakness who get to find their existence in God and find a new life to live in Jesus. God works the world out the way He wants, we just have to trust that. Not knowing and surrendering isn’t an admittance of failure, it is a celebration of hope. It is plunging into a life of faith.

God recently wrecked my questions and turned it back to Him with the hymn “Jesus Paid It All.” The answers to it all and what to do are right there in the lyrics. Jesus paid it all, sin had left a crimson stain and He washed it white as snow. Child of weakness, watch and pray, find in me thine all in all.


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